Scientists at Oxford University have concluded a decade long study into the effects of youthful anti-social behaviour on local residents' sexual orientation.
Since 1997, the number of children running riot on Britain's streets has increased more than 10 fold, with drug taking, binge drinking, vandalism and a general increase in yobbish behaviour causing great stress to local residents, reducing house prices and ultimately resulting in an unwelcome return to Tory government.
The study has found that social groups living under and around these stressful circumstances have increasingly turned to homosexuality in a subconscious effort to avoid creating further generations of uneducated, unwanted, slack trousered scumbags.
"Middle England has become a hotbed of tuppence licking, rug munching, shirt lifting benders" said Professor Boris de Pfeffel Johnson-Alexander of St. Cameron's College Oxford, who carried out the study.
"Our study shows that middle class British men are genetically programmed to prefer eating cock to watching pimped up Vauxhall Corsas perform doughnuts up the high street on a Saturday night".
Meanwhile the Daily Mail is being forced to defend itself following a spelling mistake in an earlier edition of the front page article. Lawyers for the American actor Will Ferrel are looking to pursue charges for libellous claims of extreme sexual misbehaviour.