At first it was too close to call. Now, as 140 million Americans start casting their votes, pollsters have finally agreed that a dead heat is by far the likeliest outcome. “This scenario in which both candidates win exactly the same number of states and votes will provoke a constitutional crisis,” a spokesman for the Attorney General told the US press. “But it looks like that’s what will happen.”
The tie will mean a shared presidency, with two desks in the Oval Office, and an agreement on dividing dry cleaning costs. It’s expected that the presidents will have control of the nuclear trigger on alternate days. Under the shared presidency people hoping for free health care will be expected to toss a coin in their doctor’s or hospital waiting room. People who get tails will receive treatment paid for by the state. Those who get heads will have to pay, die, or manufacture illegal drugs on an industrial scale.
Despite the neck and neck presidency race, the contest to become First Lady looks like it’s already been won. With Michelle Obama ahead in the polls from the start, Ann Romney may well concede defeat early tonight. It’s understood Mrs Romney’s popular policy on cakes was defeated by Mrs Obama’s colourful two-piece suit policy with low heels. This raises the prospect of the first First Lady in the White House to be shared by two presidents. The Obamas have already assented to this in principle. Obama told the New York Times. “We cannot dissent. If the people mandate a White House ménage a trois, so be it.” But Romney told supporters in Martsville Ohio “I’m not going to agree to anything French-sounding for my fellow Americans, before I find out what it means."