America is in shock today as a major baby kissing ring involving prominent politicians was exposed on CBS documentary Newsnight. The scandal reaches across both party and racial lines, with Republican and Democratic politicians of both black and white ethnicity said to be in the ring. Estimates are that as many as 30,000 babies may have been kissed in the last few days alone.
An unusual feature of the ring’s activities is that the baby kissing was brazenly conducted in public areas, often amongst a large crowd. In many cases the baby kissing abuse has been caught on film while crowd members chant ‘forward’ or ‘believe’. The extent of the baby kissing perversion is shown by the fact that ring leaders ask onlookers to give them an ‘approval rating’ and then to vote for them as if it were some kind of sick reality TV show.
Shockingly, Newsnight revealed that many of the mothers of the babies stood by and let their babies be kissed in return for vague promises of ‘affordable healthcare’ or ‘cheaper gasoline’. Some have even photographed their child being kissed as a sick memento.
US District Attorney Ralph Cerecke said his office has been monitoring people who kiss babies for political purposes, or ‘politicaphiles’, for years: ‘Politicaphilia seems to spike every four years, but as the ring members are members of the political elite they have previously been untouchable. But with the current revelations, we have opened files on the alleged ringleaders, a Mr O and Mr R. We are also looking at a historical case involving a Mr C who seems to have kissed babies before moving onto older age ranges.’
Sociologist Georgina Miller says politicaphilia is far from a victimless crime as it can scar the baby for life: ‘We have seen babies who were kissed 30 years ago now unable to function politically beyond wearing a Ronald Reagan T-shirt and joining the Tea party. Babies kissed 50 years ago are still banging on about the Vietnam war and ‘peace and love’ - in Houston of all places.’
While the baby kissing epidemic is now out in the open, people should still be on their guard. Ms Miller cautions parents to beware of smiling men bearing lollies, balloons, and rosettes, especially if living in a swing state: ‘But the babies need to take some responsibility themselves - the best protection against unwanted male attention is still shitting one’s diaper.’