Concert promoter AEG is to offer more affordable tickets for stadium concerts that will include watching the concert while blindfolded at home, with wax pressed into each ear.
‘Stadium ticket prices have become over-inflated,’ said a spokesperson for AEG. ‘We want to democratise that imbalance based on whether you give a shit about being able to see or hear anything.
‘Now you can buy a ticket for the 2013 Bon Jovi tour for as little as £12.50, which involves being held under water at a nearby lake for the duration of the concert. Then we’ve got the £20 special, which means you stay at home, deprived of your optical and auditory senses. Also, you won’t be allowed to drink your own tap water during the gig. You'll have to buy ours.’
Student Darren Maloney said: ‘It’s about time concert promoters catered for the minority of students who would be seen dead at a stadium gig. I’m hoping to see Celine Dion at Wembley. Well, I say see… I’m going to be paying £11 to sit and watch Al-Jazeera in the back room of a Turkish grocer in Wembley High Road.'
Those who like to splash out on a top-price ticket experience are not being overlooked by AEG.
‘Yes, if you’re some sort of cunt, then our top ticket price for Bon Jovi is £125,’ commented the spokesperson. ‘They're mainly aimed at business people who like to stand in a corporate safety ring getting free tinitus, shout “amazing sound system” to a client who got hammered before the gates opened, and get emotional over the lyrics to It’s My Life. Or, in the case of Bon Jovi, American couples in matching fleeces that have wolves printed on them.’
There are concerns that the new scheme has failed to factor in the ubiquitous presence of Ticketmaster, widely held to be responsible for single-handedly removing the words ‘great value’ from the live music experience.
‘We’re about to introduce a complex range of booking fees that are so outrageously expensive, you’ll probably want to add them to your mortgage,’ said a voice recognition spokesthingy. ‘They're our boldest move yet in widening the chasm of disparity between price and service. We’re thinking £28.50 if you have green eyes, or a tenner to leave our website without taking a hard-drive wiping virus with you… that sort of thing. If you think that’s unfair, say “fuck that.”’