At a press conference today, Mitt Romney made an audacious play for the black vote by outlining a scheme where each black family would be provided with an unpaid servant who would assist with cooking and cleaning or help around the farm.
Romney said that the plan showed that attempts to paint him as out of touch with the common man were well wide of the mark. And despite not running the plan past his advisors to avoid leaks, all possible fishhooks had been examined thoroughly.
‘It is not socialism because it is a hand-up not a hand-out’ clarified Romney. ‘And the plan is affordable as I have reached an agreement with an Asian country to provide 10,000,000 servants in return for blankets, a quantity of small arms, and unlimited access to America’s reality TV and talent shows.’
‘The servants will be transported to the US cost effectively in the USS Ulysess aircraft carrier, and if the servants breathe in and don’t have some kind of personal space phobia we could do it in 10 trips.’
Romney said assimilation was also important and this would be addressed by housing the servants in community barrack-style accommodation complete with karaoke machines for entertainment: ‘Obviously people have to be happy in their work, especially when it is unpaid, and encouraging the servants to sing ‘Gangnam Style’ while washing the floors or picking the crops will help lift their spirits.’
Romney confessed that his biggest fear was that some politically correct pedant would brand his plan racist: ‘I know this initiative only helps black people, but affirmative action is OK isn’t it? I’m no student of history, but I’m told blacks have had a hard time in the past and I don’t poll well in that demographic, so for me formulating this plan was a complete no-brainer.’
Romney emphasised he would also be looking after the Latin American voting block: ‘Spanish soldiers who have been let go as a result of the Euro financial crisis could be redeployed in America to assist Latin American business and land owners – perhaps on some kind of profit share basis.’