Lucasfilm, the evil empire founded by film-maker George Lucas, has announced a buy-out by fellow evil empire Disney.
The deal was signed in nerd’s blood by Lucas and Disney’s current Emperor, Robert Iger.
Mark Hackenburg, a film writer with the Hollywood Bilge, commented, “Disney and Lucasfilm hooking up is just the best thing ever for people who want to see children’s dreams crushed under foot.”
“The combined power of this new technological terror will allow us to pursue even more desperate licensing opportunities, such as Jedi Mickey-branded insulin and R2-D2-shaped feminine hygiene products,” said Mr Iger.
Under the terms of the deal, which took many fans and film insiders by surprise, Lucas will remain as a consultant on the Star Wars universe. Disney say this will ensure future Star Wars films infuriate fans, who will continue to go and see them anyway, and then buy all the toys.
“It's early days,” said Rod Loomis, one of Disney's senior Creative Bastards, “but we’re talking about maybe making Jar Jar a dad, with his own cute but mischievous kid as his sidekick. George reckons that’s a slamdunk for getting the people who’ve been with the saga from the beginning, pissed off, in a new and ground-breaking way.”
Speaking about Lucas' decision to sell his business, Kathleen McQuirk, Acting Junior Joint-Head of Digital Disappointment at Lucasfilm, said, “He just really hates it. The Wookies, and the droids and all that shit. People have been on his case since 1977, and now he wants to retire and make experimental films in his shed about handlebars and traffic lights. He’s happiest when he’s working with inanimate objects, like Harrison Ford.”
Lucas said, “I always knew that one day I’d have to pass Star Wars on to the next generation, but it was equally important that I could continue to reach out from beyond the grave and keep messing with the continuity. P.s. – Han Solo leaves Leia for Lando.
"I just wanted to make you aware of that before I go" he chuckled.
Meanwhile, Disney have announced a new movie – “Star Wars of the Caribbean” – for release in 2015.
Gareth Pegg, a rotund Star Wars disciple, who shares two-thirds of his home with action figures, said, “Woo-hoo, this will be a day long remembered. As soon as the new movie comes out, watch me do .5 past lightspeed straight to the cinema, even with my asthma.”