The process of ascending to heaven may be about to get a lot tougher amid revelations that God turned a blind eye to red flags on Jimmy Savile’s heaven application as he needed a DJ for the heaven Xmas party.
Savile’s ascension may just be the tip of the iceberg – amongst others, it appears Adolf Hitler was allowed in as God was tired of heaven’s transport system not running on time, and Anna Nicole Smith was admitted as God couldn’t bear to spend an eternity just looking at earnest Amish women and a well-thumbed Sears catalogue.
A red-faced God explained that heaven was critically short of good DJs and he couldn’t face another Xmas party with Roy Plomley spinning the disks: ‘The ascension process appears lax, but I was merely following policy by only checking the ‘converted to Christianity’ box and nothing else.’
God promised there would be no repeat of such incidents: ‘I have conducted a thorough review of all historical heaven applications and I was amazed to find that everything was held on file. This must be that ‘omniscience’ they all talk about – it’s almost as good as Google.’
God said that his review made it clear that people had been cynically exploiting the system by repeatedly sinning then repenting at the last minute, so he was moving to a purely ‘commandment-based’ approach: ‘Sins will be weighted according to a complicated formula, but suffice to say sickos like Savile will have to push a very large camel through the eye of a very small needle.’
Atheists have praised God’s reforms saying that the focus on words and deeds gives them a fighting chance of making heaven, but the Catholic Church was very unhappy with the changes: ‘We have decided to merge with the Buddhist faith and take our chances with reincarnation’ said a worried looking Pope Benedict XV1 before adding ‘be nice to all creatures great and small, even very little ones such as house flies’.