Cities must prepare for a tide of badger refugees fleeing the cull, according to Earnest Stoat, who is still employed by Arndale College of Animal Psychology.
"Without proper protection, the frightened, half-blind and bewildered creatures could be set upon by gangs of urban foxes in what would make the violent street battles in West Side Story look like a musical," he warned.
"Badgers must be taught basic survial skills like opening food recycling bins with their snouts. Staring at cars in the street at night. And crapping on doorsteps."
Stoat called for a relaxation of laws to make it legal for badgers to walk into barbers and sell their fur for shaving brushes. "If we don't make it possible for Mr and Mrs Badger to make an honest living in the city, there will be sets on every street corner, mark my words," added the academic, slightly dubiously.