In the face of rising costs, the Department of Health has unveiled new plans to augment modern therapies and equipment with those currently 'in long-term storage'.
"It is a criminal waste of facilities to leave tried and tested instruments on display in museums, when they could be put to work long past their supposed retirement date", stated Clive Throstlemore, curator at the Medieval Torture Museum of Scunthorpe. "The Iron Maiden therapy will save on time and staffing as we automate acupuncture by gently incarcerating the patient in a traditional ergonomic chamber complete with fixed re-useable spikes", he explained deferentially, as Special-Interest Advisor to Jeremy Hunt.
"We must learn from the ancients!" cried the Health Secretary, or 'Bedfinder Pursuivant' as he now insists on being known. Hunt, sporting a long black cloak and what looked like vampire teeth, outlined other planned treatments. "Leeches!" he exclaimed (later clarifying that he didn't mean the patients).
Other cost-effective trusty remedies include 'The Rack', a device which, it is hoped, will reduce the number of sick days lost to 'back problems', mainly by setting a few choice examples. Meanwhile, NHS dental practices are being urged to consider using good old-fashioned pliers and a glug of alcohol or whiff of breathtaking extortion, plus kneeling on the patients chest so they don't wriggle too much. This 'dental plan' has already been discreetly trailled all over the UK, for the last 25 years, it can be revealed.
The new 'Complete Hunt' Therapy Plan will be supported by legislation designating illness as 'anti-social behaviour', with a sliding scale of penalties. "We were thinking the hospital food, plus the effective strategy as old as time itself, of 'The Wait', with the 'patient' fully aware of what to expect. Eventually."
"If that doesn't deter them, we also plan to run an advertising campaign over the Christmas period," murmured Hunt, swishing his silken cloak. "We will of course continue with the planned homeopathic levels of funding."