An extensive worldwide survey conducted by YOLO (Dolphin and Porpoise) plc. has found that walking with humans is now no 1 on dolphin bucket lists, beating the previous winner, "dick about aimlessly in the water", into second place. In third place was the ever-popular, "eat fish" followed by "avoid sharks" and "shag other dolphins" rounding off the top five.
The survey did throw up a number of surprising results, however, including "Bungee jump off the Golden Gate Bridge" at number 26 and "Meet Christopher Walken" weighing in at number 33. There was also a suggestion of contaminated results from one particular pod of dolphins in the North Atlantic, as 100% of the large pod all said that the number one thing they wanted to do before they died was "escape from these tuna nets."
Although not biologically designed to survive out of water, dolphins now believe that spending periods of time on land with humans can provide significant medical and psychological benefits for them.
"Humans are so fat and idiotic that they make us feel better about ourselves," explained Mr. Flipple, a dolphin who regularly walks with captive humans on a very small desert island in the middle of the ocean. "They can be dangerous if you're with them in their natural habitat, though. I was walking behind one of them a few years ago and when she saw me she just totally freaked out for no reason and started hitting me with a bag."
However, Professor Risso Grampus, professor of anthropology at Mauna Kea University, believes that such dolphin activities are, at best, misguided. "They call it walking with humans but it's not really walking," he said. "They just sort of bounce and wriggle about on their stomachs for a few minutes before sliding back in the ocean. I'm not sure what good that does anybody."
Professor Grampus has also criticised attempts by certain dolphins to further interact with humans in their natural habitats and cities, attempts which have inevitably led to mass beachings and numerous fatalities in the dolphin community in the past.
"The dolphins who peddle this sort of rubbish to calves are a bunch of dangerous, irresponsible hippies" he said. "Quite frankly, if they think that they can circumvent a million years of evolution by bellyflopping their way down Oxford Street then they have another thing coming."