Top media bastard Rupert Murdoch has unveiled a statue to the late Sir James Savile, on an undersize paedium overlooking the BBC’s headquarters. Naked, heavily tarnished and sitting astride a cowed Director General, the ‘Savile Rampant’ was met with applause from an expectant crowd of News Corp journalists.
Murdoch explained to a waiting Sun editor what to write about the leering statue, which will serve as a lasting monument to unnamed celebrities yet to fall. "Sir Savile may have passed on, but we will never forget him”, explained a beaming Murdoch. “And neither will you, if we run endless stories about him right through Rebekah Brook’s phone hacking trial.”
News Corp has faced its own struggle with publicity recently, with just handfuls of suggestions of criminality marring an otherwise blemished record. Rather than a costly cleanup, Murdoch is hoping instead to scuttle the competition. In a ceremony more often reserved for the launching of a ship, a child actor representing Savile’s alleged victims called the boat-faced statue a name, before bottling it in the arse.
Murdoch spoke of his relief at no longer having to raise his own standards, and thanked his rivals at the BBC for appearing to sink to his level. “To mark this broadcasting millstone we’ll be unveiling a lot more statues shortly”, insisted Murdoch. “I’ll be pulling a manky bedsheet off each and every one of them, just as soon as they’re arrested."
A spokesman for Sky explained that the timing was crucial. “While we’d like to dig as much dirt as we can before the proper police inquiry is completed, we’re also keen to draw it out as long as possible.” A spokesman for the BBC was quick to denounce the effigy of Sir Jimmy, claiming its looming presence made many of his staff feel violated. As he explained, “it’s a clear case of statue-tory rape.”