Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has unveiled an audacious plan to strip to the waist, wade into the sea off New Jersey and begin beating Hurricane Sandy with this bare fists.
“This is what all enemies of the American people can expect when I’m at the helm,” an upbeat Romney told a hastily assembled press conference; which then hastily disassembled and fled the scene at high speed in trucks and vans.
Undaunted, and with only a few days left till the US election is decided on the 6th November, Romney’s team still believe he can deliver a knockout blow, not only to President Obama but also hopefully to 80,000 metric tonnes of water.
“He’s completely in the zone, he’s completely psyched,” claims Republican party apparatchik Sloane McBride. “While everyone else is running away and taking to the hills, Mitt Romney is going to casually stroll out to meet one of the deadliest storms ever recorded. Doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know about the man?”
However, with high winds, 10inches of rain and 24 inches of snow predicted the Romney camp is leaving nothing to chance.
“He’s wearing extra thick chinos,” explains Republican weather strategist Rick Vanderheld, “and underneath those, some speedos, just in case the vast hurricane rips his pants off. We want this to look as dignified as any instance of a 65-year old man punching wind could be.
"We’re also bringing along a thermos, maybe with hot soup in it. We don’t want to give everything away at this stage.”
Fox News, which claims to have evidence linking the hurricane to Al-Qaeda, carried pictures of the presidential hopeful slugging punch bags in a local gym, accompanied by the song “Eye of the Tiger”.
Political commentator Wolf Krauser thinks Romney’s gamble might pay off. “There are a lot of potential Romney voters out there who might look at something this ballsy, and yet kinda stupid, and think here’s the guy we need in charge of our nuclear arsenal. There’s just something very American about the little guy standing up to the big guy, or in this case, winds of 425mph.”
The comments of Kevin Bright, a slack-mouthed blimp are typical of many undecided voters, “Where is the President while all this is going on? Oh yeah, he’s in a secure location co-ordinating relief efforts. Like, a lotta good that’s going do folks when this storm comes for our kids.”
Leaving to prepare for what those in the fight game have dubbed, ‘The Commotion In The Ocean’, the former governor of Massachusetts reassured his supporters by pledging, “Romney! Smash!”