Beleaguered chairman, Chris Patten, faced down his critics today and launched a £500m package of measures, promising to revolutionise the BBC's entire approach to anti-paedophile broadcasting.
Appearing before Dame Janet Smith at the BBC internal inquiry into the Savile affair, Lord Patten recognised mistakes from the past. He then delivered a brand new crackdown, designed to stamp out the traditional culture of easily available under-age sex within BBC buildings.
Spearheading his Defence Review, Patten unveiled a prototype anti-paedo detector van, scheduled to be rushed into service before Xmas 2013. “This will take the war against paedophiles away from BBC buildings and out into the community,” he said.
The heavily camouflaged 42mph state-of-the-art vans will each boast a six inch armour-plated chassis, sidewinder twin torpedoes, anti-aircraft missile defence systems, advanced anti-cigar smoke alarms, deep foam leatherette suspension and the very latest turbo-assisted, anti-magnetic, paedo-proof door locks.
“These vans will detect a paedophile from 50 yards,” boasted Patten. “Through brick walls and double glazing, they will know exactly what anyone is watching on TV at any given moment. Or what they might be planning to watch after the 9.00pm watershed. Or if someone is smoking a fat cigar or wearing dark sunglasses. Any two people sitting alone, with an age gap of more than 15 years will immediately set off an alarm.”
Promising to weed-out paedophile activity within BBC buildings, Patten announced an immediate clamp down on loose-fitting tracksuits. “Up to and including the Rio Olympics, all BBC premises will be designated tracksuit-free zones as from midnight tonight,” he declared.
Amongst further draconian measures, Patten promised all dressing room doors will be permanently removed and every single alcove bricked up (including several Grade II listed art deco alcoves within Broadcasting House). Even his own 8” deep stationery cupboard is to to be fitted with a CCTV camera. “Lions might still live in the jungle - but it won't be long before paedophiles will be unable to roam free at the BBC,” he roared.