With the war drifting towards the end of a somewhat lack-lustre extra-time, Philip Hammond has warned that the likely end will be every UK soldier’s worst nightmare – sudden death penalties.
“The lads have given it their best shot for over ten years, or something like that,” said Philip Hammond today “and the country can be proud of them for always giving 110%. But we can’t ignore the lessons of history err... what does ‘the lessons of history’ mean exactly, Geoff? It sounds like bullshit. Are you sure this thing’s turned off?”
A military spokesperson stated “Obviously, the boys get a little tetchy when an Afghan Policeman has a pop with a Glock from round the back of the Canon photocopier and scores an ‘own goal’; but there’s no real malice behind it. We always shake hands later - if he’s still alive - and then arrest some of his relatives, ‘by mistake’. No hard feelings, it’s just a bit of banter between professionals.”
Hammond sought to put the current conflict into an historical context “Having taken longer than WW1, WW11, Suez & the Falklands combined, the lads would have liked to bring home some silverware. Perhaps march up The Mall like their grandfathers before them, cheering crowds, a quick knee-trembler with a grateful waitress from Lyons Corner House and a Spitfire flypast.”
“But to be fair, our main 20th Century opposition wore uniforms and wrote in German on the sides of their planes and tanks. With hindsight, they probably thought that was a dead giveaway but it was a sporting gesture and very helpful to us. Still, they haven’t let us win on penalties since.”
Hammond acknowledged the likely end to the match: “Unfortunately we’ve a poor record on shoot-outs” he accepted “apart from Bloody Sunday and that SAS Gibraltar-thingy obviously. And even then we came in for a bit of stick, just because the others didn’t have guns or some such nonsense. So, with Afghanistan we’ll probably settle for the satisfaction of a job well done; it’s not so much about winning, as taking part. Churchill said that, I think.”
“We’d like to bring on one or more of our six Subs, but they don’t perform well in the desert for some reason.”