In an announcement that has shocked Westminster, David Cameron has requested the last 2 and a half years of government be wiped from the record books claiming he and many of his conservative colleagues have been taking 'performances reducing drugs'.
'After the 2010 general election we were forced to make a decision' the Prime Minister admitted with a tear in his eye. 'Try to govern clean, or grab a short term advantage through doping. We took the second option and accepted Nick Clegg's offer of using the banned substance LBDM.'
In what has been described as 'the most sophisticated, professional, and successful doping of a government' in history, the performing reducing effects of LBDM have been clear for all to see. 'When ruling a country you what to keep moving forward' Tony Blair, an expert in dopey governments told us. 'but even a very small influence of LBDM is enough to cause the user to keep performing u-turns, and therefore not get anywhere.
Investigations have shown that the dealing of the drugs was not limited to Nick Clegg. It is alleged he has people administering LBDM in almost every Whitehall department, with a heavy influence in the treasury. One leaky civil servant told us the trade of the substance is being tightly controlled by a sophisticated vice cabal, before correcting himself and saying it was a 'sophisticated Vince Cable'
David Cameron has been explaining that the performance reducing drugs have affected the governments decision making and even his personal judgement. 'You only have to look at our last budget to see we were under the influence of illegal drugs' he told us. 'The biggest benefactor of the tax cut for millionaires was the cocaine dealers. Why else do you think that during the public's attack on the Murdochs, I decided to join 'Team Sky''.
If the past two and a half years are wiped from the history books, the Tories will continue in power until the next general election, however there will be random drugs testing. 'We have already started testing and can confirm that since the party conferences, no Tory has been found to be under the influence of LBDM' a spokesman for the 'Political Anti-doping Agency' told us. 'However we are investigating a sample from Mr Cameron that shows his blood contains a higher than average level of blue'