Well known herb ensemble Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme today announced they were going their separate ways. While the official reason stated was ‘culinary differences’, it is widely speculated they can no longer bear to be in the same dish together.
Despite starting the group, Parsley says he has been reduced to a decorative role: ‘If I’m lucky, I’ll get left on the side of the plate with the broccoli, but more often than not something will happen like a child will stick me up their nose with a cry of ‘look mum, a booger’! It has been ages since I have slid down the small intestine inhaling the sweet smell of gastric juices.’
Sage, long regarded as the ‘intellectual’ of the group, is said to be disillusioned with the Western food movement, describing it as ‘the culinary equivalent of Coldplay’. He is continuing his flirtation with Eastern influences by joining Indian duo Coriander and Cumin to form a new group ‘Lamb Madras, feat. Sage’. An early review by Basingstoke curry fan Gavin Honiss says the combination is ‘indigestible’, though Sage protests that it was the 19 pints Mr Honiss consumed before the meal that was responsible for the hasty oral exit.
While Rosemary and Thyme have chosen to stick together, they are taking a break from performance ingestion and instead are moving into potpourri. 'Frankly the constant touring of the digestive tract was becoming a grind' noted Thyme. 'We think being inhaled into the nasal passage is the challenge we have been looking for.'
Herb commentator Jason Bond said Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme’s split was inevitable, with the seasoned performers struggling to remain relevant in world dominated by solo sensation Basil, and up and comers such as Oregano. ‘They relied on the Simon and Garfunkel connection for too long and didn’t innovate – passing up the chance to appear on ‘Britain’s got Pesto’ was a big mistake when you look at the boost it gave Basil’ noted Mr Bond.
The herbs maintain that their split is permanent, as they don’t want to go the way of salt and pepper who struggle to appear on anything more gourmet than sausages and chips. 'However we won’t rule out a one-off reunion on something like a Jamie Oliver Xmas special' says Parsley.