The BBC has called in a team of psychic investigators after youngsters attending a live-screening of Rastamouse claimed the lecherous cigar-smoking ghost of an elderly man had really put the willies up them.
The weeks prior to Halloween* have seen an upsurge in paranormal activity with BBC employees reporting a variety of phenomena such as rattling jewellery, an eerie yodelling noise and the feeling of being touched in an inappropriate place, usually a dressing room. The final straw came when a trainee DJ had to flee the building after witnessing a track-suited figure having a spectral wank .
‘I’ve always remained sceptical about this sort of thing until now,’ said MC Letitia Downing, 15, ‘but when your essential mix is interrupted by a ghost trying to thumb one out it forces you to reconsider. I’ve mentioned it to the other DJs but they said it’s just ‘banter’ and asked if I was a lesbian. This apparition is completely untouchable!’
Director-General, George Entwhistle, also refused to rule out supernatural goings-on. ‘Members of staff claim they’ve been felt up by a pair of unseen hands and one young presenter had her breasts jiggled while reading the shipping forecast . Dave Lee Travis wasn’t even in the building at the time.’
Under pressure from OFCOM , Entwhistle called on kosher TV psychic Derek Acorah and his trusty spirit guide “Sam” in a bid to cleanse the premises of the incorrigble spook. ‘All we know is that there’s some kind of presence here,’ Entwhistle added, ‘and it’s much stronger than Matt Baker’s. ’
Acorah, meanwhile, wasted no time in making contact with the ghoul. After slipping into a trance, the definitely legit medium cried, ‘This spirit person worked as a DJ. He’s trying to show me a record – the longest serving paedophile on the BBC payroll. Now then, now then.. cigar.. jewellery..cigar .. jewellery.. uh-ah-uh-ah-uh-ah-uh-ah. What’s that Sam? He’s giving me the name James or possibly Jim...’
‘Is it Jimmy Young? ’
*blatant Halloween sub