BBC praised for dragging alleged historical sex offences into 21st century
A BBC spokes-apologist said 'Like unnecessarily harrowing public information films, historic sex offences used to take place in the 1970s. However time has passed and you are old. Bands that were played unironically on Radio 1 are now being played unironically on Radio 2. Similarly, DJs that were sex criminals working at Radio 1 have now become sex criminals working at Radio 2. You may not like it, but like S Club 7, historical sex crimes can now have taken place in the 2000s
New bin rules to include crude oil
Food waste collections are set to require all households to produce 2000 gallons of oil, per fortnight. The ongoing war in the Middle East has cut the global supply by 5%, meaning British households will need to make up the shortfall by recycling salad dressing and ghee. The basic ratio each home must generate is 100,000 bacon butties a week, just to keep up. The bin itself will be the size of three moderately sized tankers and will be part of your normal collection cycle-pro
Harry whines about William like anyone cares any more
"William might take away our titles when he's king," Harry grizzled to the media last week. "I realise that the world is facing an escalating war in the Middle East which could tip it into recession, hitting struggling families in the UK very hard indeed," continued the ex-royal prince - or duke, or whatever he's become - from his mansion in California. "So I appreciate the personal issues of a self-obsessed aristocrat and his vain actress wife might not matter quite so much
‘Remove gas and electricity supplies from energy bills’ say Tories
Tory leader Kemi Badenoch says the best way to bring down rising energy prices for struggling households and businesses will be to stop providing them with gas and electricity. Party insiders said scrapping the supply of energy to homes would soon bring down household bills and help customers struggling with the cost of living. Ms Badenoch said standing charges would remain the same and shareholders would need to be compensated for loss of income but the savings on energy con
Tiger Woods to be Trump's Middle East envoy
"He plays golf, he is behaving in an increasingly erratic way and he has convictions to his name," a spokes-putter for President Trump told reporters at Mar-a-Lago. "Tiger Woods therefore seems the perfect representative for the President in peace talks with Iran. "The only problem may be that Mr Woods attended the prestigious Stanford University. "He might therefore bring intelligence and reasoning to the negotiations, rather than the blundering, pig-ignorant clown show that
McSweeney's phone stolen by Yeti
The disgraced Chief of Staff insisted that it would be impossible to recover, as it had been abducted by aliens, swallowed by the Loch Ness Monster and had dropped through a wormhole in space. The phone, which contained incriminating messages, was unavoidably unavailable and would remain so "if it knew what was good for it". Cynics suggested McSweeney was covering up evidence, and that Yetis preferred Android devices to iPhones. Nevertheless, the phone is utterly gone, along
Thousands of toddlers march in protest at proposed screen time restrictions
Central London was brought to a standstill yesterday as thousands of toddlers marched to Downing Street in protest at the Government’s proposed restrictions on screen time for children and young people “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said London Police Commissioner Sir Mark Rowley-Powley.” “Most marches have a sense of direction, but this one was entirely random. They were meant to be going to Downing Street, but they kept getting distracted. One group decided to have a t
Reform candidate stands down after Cleese accusation
A Reform candidate for the Welsh Sennedd elections has stood down after photographs of him throwing a Nazi salute and holding a comb over his top lip emerged. 'At first I was accused of imitating Hitler and I thought 'cool', Nigel will approve,' he said today. He decided imitating Hitler was OK as 'everybody I know does that, plus it didn't do Prince Harry any harm, did it?' However, it transpires that the media are comparing him to John Cleese. 'That's beyond the pale, eve
Iran asks: Is Trump using confusion tactics?
'The US President says he wants peace but is sending 10,000 troops to the war zone,' said a perplexed spokes-skeleton for the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corpse. 'He says he's negotiating with an Iranian leader who calls the shots, but says his interlocutor will be shot if he's caught negotiating with him. 'And Trump says he wants to bomb all our energy plants and be Iran's worst nightmare, but then says he's kindly giving us 10 days before doing it. 'Is he saying all this to
Trump backs down on claim he's omnipotent
'I went into the war against Iran believing the regime's leaders would immediately bend to my will, because I'm omnipotent,' boasted a puffed up Donald Trump. 'Weeks went by and they still weren't 'crying uncle'. They were calling me a demented old fool. But all those Tomahawks and suchlike we fired off showed that I'm potent. 'Now Iran's closed the Strait of Hormuz, and I am totally powerless to get it open again without caving into all of its demands. 'So we'll be whittli
