Commodity brokers are concerned that the world’s stock of suitable martyr virgins is being used unsustainably. “Every business has to deal with the challenges of the market and the loony-jehadists community is no exception,” said Mark Postern, Director of Disingenuousness at London’s stock exchange. “Much of the trouble could be down to that ‘Allan Akbar’, whoever he is. We often hear his name chanted on TV but he’s never in-shot.”
Postern’s statistical assessment says 1:72 martyr/virgin ratios are not achievable in the long term. “Fortunately, up to now, jehadists have proved astonishingly inept with terror campaigns; otherwise we’d already be in negative equity, vis-a-vis the virgins. New stock isn’t coming through fast enough though and to be frank shooting teenage girls in the head hasn’t helped much. Even an educated virgin must be better than no virgin at all. Surely they’ve all got to be able to count to ’71-then me’ as a bare minimum.”
Ralph Spinks, an international jehadist said today “Look, we just need to get more 12 year old girls married off and start producing ... oh, hold on, that’s really not going to work, is it? “
