Scotland's First Minister Alex Salmond has finally revealed the source of the legal advice he sought on an independent Scotland's prospective membership of the European Union; a giant rabbit called Frank, visible only to him.
A spokesman for the Scottish Government today claimed that the rabbit - who also counselled Salmond on the approaching end of the world, as well as giving him nutritional advice and guidance on how not to come off as such a smug twat - assured the First Minister that Scotland would be welcomed into the EU with open arms due to the provision in the Treaty of European Union for the free movement of workers - movement which would be sufficient to kill off the waves of heart disease-ridden jocks who would flood to Poland in the event of independence to escape the SNP- therefore lowering the union's overall level of heart disease.
"The First Minister is satisfied, not only that we would be able to join the EU, but also, as the
King Overlord leader of the richest nation in the world - thanks to our hitherto untapped reserves of the little known mineral Tartanium - he would soon be appointed as The Guardian of Europe to lead a resurgence against the relentless empire building of the villainous Chinese."
"In addition, his legal council, Frank - who has in turn consulted such experts in international law and finance as The Ghost Who Never Lies and Griphook the Gringotts Goblin - has asserted that Scotland would not be legally compelled to join the Euro and would in fact be allowed, nay encouraged, to conduct international business in a combination of Zimbabwean Dollars and recycled shoes."
When asked if the mysterious legal council would ever make a public statement, the First Minister's spokesman hastily explained that he was invisible to everyone except Mr Salmond, before claiming that a vortex was forming over our heads which would herald the end of time and ran away screaming and waving his hands above his head...