Following recent, widespread accusations of authorities' failure to deal with institutionalised paedophilia over a period of time spanning decades, authorities have turned to legendary consulting detective Sherlock Holmes to shake up Britain's Child Protection Services.
The move comes in light of fresh allegations made by Tom Watson MP of a paedophile ring implicating the very highest levels of government, which prompted Scotland Yard chiefs to enlist the help of the fictional Victorian crimefighter as 'Big Chief Paedo Hunter'.
Constable Charles Dibble of The Metropolitan Police explained: “As we began to investigate claims of Paedophilia at the BBC in recent weeks it became apparent that everybody who worked in these institutions at the time of the alleged abuse was too detached from the reality of the situation for any law enforcement from this terrestrial realm to be able to help them.”
“This left us no choice but to enlist some external help from the realm of fiction – which coincidentally was the source of most 70s BBC Employees' accounts of why they were unable to report the abuse at the time it was happening.”
“We chose Mr Holmes ahead of Judge Dredd and Inspector Rebus because the latest paedophilia scandal surrounding government officials is basically the same plot as his most recent case, 'The House of Silk', though apparently even that far-fetched yarn full of improbable feats of cunning and gaping plot holes only contains a fraction of the flights of fancy we are expecting to experience when government officials start explaining how this paedophile ring operated for so long without them realising.”
“We are encouraged by the work already done by Mr Holmes and his trusty assistant (Tom) Watson (MP), since the former spotted the fossilised remains of a terrified, crushed gerbil in a chest of drawers in 10 Downing Street and we are confident that his experience in hackneyed ruses will be invaluable in dealing with the testimonies of all the people who were washing their hair the whole time the abuse was happening.”
“The fact that he himself is not actually real may be something of a stumbling block, but we are confident that it will not make our investigations in more ineffectual than they already are.”