The financial crisis took a new twist this week when the Tooth Fairy put in a request for assistance from the EU.
"The UK population is growing, which means there are more children than ever before", she said. "Add to that the rise in consumption of sugary fizzy drinks and children are losing teeth quicker as well. Also, the unit cost of teeth has risen dramatically. In the 1970's, I used to give 5p a time; now the cost can be anything up to £2. That's a 40 fold increase and it doesn't take a genius to see that my budgets are going to be stretched."
These are tough times for everyone and the Tooth Fairy hopes to secure funding as an essential service. "If I don't keep collecting them, we’ll end up with piles of decaying teeth under pillows across the country. That would represent a serious health hazard." She has looked at other income streams, such as lottery funding and has also applied for support directly from the Queen's estate, though she admitted even she chuckled at the prospect of being supported by the Crown.
"Other people seem to be treating me as a kind of dental Cash Converters to raise extra money. They are leaving old sets of dentures out hoping I'll pick them up. I've even had to take some wind up chattering teeth that walked. I mean, I know it's crazy, but I can't upset the kiddies or I'll lose my core business. Hopefully, I can get hold of some kind of short term bridging loan. I'm not holding out too much hope though and I am definitely bracing myself."
At this rate of loss, the tooth fairy has said she will have to close her dental recycling business before the end of the year if a bailout package is not agreed. She concluded, "I think it's fair to say that even for me, the recession is biting."