The Home Secretary is expected to announce the appointment of the UK's first Paedofinder General today.
The move comes after a long and vocal campaign by The Sun newspaper supported by a large group of outraged members of the public carrying pitchforks and cudgels.
A Home Office spokesman outlined the thinking. "The Paedofinder's role will be to root out all the vile, child watching scum that pervade our society. From the old man who lives on his own at the end of the street, staring out the window at the schoolkids throwing stones at his door, to the slightly awkward, geeky 20 somethings who work near the changing rooms in Matalan; the Paedofinder General will ensure they're all rooted out and questioned properly, with pliers and the like.
He'll leave no stone unturned, and no child's bed unlooked under".
"It's about bloody time" said Mary Westley, campaign leader and Sun reader, 23 from Harlow. "Our kids need protecting. Only last week a dirty, paedo bastard tried to talk to my 9 year old daughter as we walked past his toy stall on the market. Filthy scum should be castrated. We need to get all the Gary Glitters of this world, rip off their bollocks and burn the bastards in public. That'll learn the dirty fuckers".
Miss Westley's uncle, Maurice, another supporter of the scheme, expounded further as he protectively bounced his small niece gently on his lap and rubbed her chest soothingly. "I think the Paedofinder General's office will be a great improvement to the safety of sweet, pretty little children like my niece here and all her little friends. He should weed out all the fairies, transvestites and other weirdos and make them pay for their sick, un-Christian behviour. We'll keep you safe, won't we sweetie".
The Sun has announced that they will be holding a special Paedofinder Party to celebrate the appointment. The paper's editorial team will all be there along with 10 of their hottest 17 year old Page 3 lovelies.