David 'Close-knit' Cameron has announced plans to encourage Big Britain to wear smaller pants in an attempt to reduce any public overspill in the leg area and provide better support for the nation's "Crown Jewels".
He has described how close members of his cabinet have adopted tighter briefs in a bid to inspire others to do the same. "The elder members of the task force have had the most trouble adapting; they've never had to endure such tough elastine" Mr Cameron said.
"Technology has come along way," described Mr Cameron, "And the old Tories are having to shape up to fit in".
Cameron's suggestions have come off the back of new Chancellor George Osborne's proposals to cut public waste. "Cutting two inches of cotton around the leg, and three in the perenium, of every brief worn in Britain will half the deficit," Mr Osborne posits. "Honest" he adds.
Other loose ends in the plan to make further cuts are being "tied up" the Chancellor assures Britain. "We are looking at further cuts that will restrict waste circulation," with many critics suggesting that this announcement is Conservative spin, intended to make key areas of Britain blue.