David Cameron has announced the opening of a rehabilitation centre for misbehaving politicians. An institution set up in Wandsworth prison will see MP's such as Andrew Mitchell put not so much behind bars, but locked up behind a 25 foot 'Pleb' gate.
'This centre will be a section of a normal prison with MP's mixing with inmates, and will help cut the re-offending rate in half' the Prime Minister told reporters at the launch. 'Having resigned on Friday, Mr Mitchell will be one of the first in there. We hope it will be the first sentence he has completed without swearing.'
One of the inmates at the prison believes that Mr Mitchell will be treated fairly by his cell mates. He said that many of the 'lifers' don't get to meet a lot of new people, and they are 'excited to be welcoming a man who can abuse a whip'.
Prison Officers at the jail, who are said to be sympathetic to the police officers Mr Mitchell abused at the gates of Downing Street, have said they will treat him with the respect he deserves. 'We will make sure he is well looked after during his rehabilitation, but as he well knows it is important that he knows his place' one of the guards laughed. 'His place will be at the front of the 'shower conga' picking up the soap'
It is hoped the rehabilitation will have an effect on both mental and physical aspects of offending MPs. An expert in the field explained 'mentally they will come out realising the error of their ways and ready to be integrated back into front bench society. Physically, other inmates will be happy to help them take their heads out of their arses'
Mr Andrew Mitchell (H)MP will begin his rehab at the end of the week, swapping a life where luxuries include caviar, champagne and holidays on yachts, to one where the the only luxuries are tobacco, yard time, and your cell mate closing his eyes whilst you defecate in the corner.