Ryanair chief Michael O’Leary has unveiled plans for all flights to be conducted online, with a massive surcharge to be imposed on people who fail to fly online and actually turn up at the airport. The move will allow Ryanair to ditch its fleet of planes and become the world’s first no-cost airline.
“Educating people to check-in online was easy once people realised the alternative was to pay £40 for a boarding pass” said Mr O’Leary. “So a £1,000 surcharge for people who fail to fly online should ensure few passengers turn up at the airport. Those that do will be will be placed on a British Airways flight and wear a large green clover on their chest to identify them as Ryanair passengers, so they can be charged to go to the toilet.”
Trials of the online flight service have gone well, with passenger Gavin Harris pleased with his boy’s weekend to Munich: “Luckily Mike, Glen, and Steve came to my house 2 hours before take-off as we had to rearrange our hand luggage to fit under the 500 pixel limit, and then we spent ages reviewing the air hostesses from the drop-down menu before we realised we could pay an upgrade fee for nude Bulgarian porn stars – a no-brainer really.”
Mr Harris noted that despite only paying £150 to travel online, he was reassured that passenger safety wasn’t compromised: “Eva the Bulgarian gave a full safety briefing saying 'in the event of a crash, inflate your life jacket, put on your oxygen mask, then press control alt delete and reboot your computer’. At least that’s what I thought she said – I was a bit distracted looking at her tits.”
Mr Harris said the flight itself was made all the more enjoyable as Steve had smuggled 30 cans of Carlsberg on board, though the landing was a bit iffy with Glen vomiting all over the keyboard: “But that just made it a true Ryanair experience as it took us an hour to locate the ‘escape’ key and exit the plane. And then to be bussed 50 miles from the small field we landed to the centre of Munich was just priceless – well actually there was a £50 surcharge.”
Mr O’Leary has no doubt that online flights will be a success: “Whoever said you can shear a sheep 100 times, but only skin it once has obviously never met a Ryanair customer.”