With the news recently revealed that George Osbourne paid for a standard-class ticket before sitting in first-class, the Chancellor has bravely spoken out about the terrifying circumstances that forced him to take such an action.
"I had decided to sit in standard-class to show that I am really 'just an ordinary guy', albeit one with a mansion and a staff of fifty. This was a chance to really get in touch with the common people, although obviously I intended to claim back the cost of the ticket on my expenses. However I realized as soon as I entered the carriage I had made a monumental mistake"
"First, I had to walk past people with the weirdest first names. What kind of monkiers are 'Adidas' or 'Reebok' anyway and why do people wear them on their clothes? Still, everyone seemed to appreciate my presence. They kept pointing at me and whispering, I imagine its nice for them to see someone of my class among them.
Then I spotted a chap working on a laptop... it was clearly a cheap one he'd bought from PC World but I thought I could bond with him as I used my tablet to figure out how many hospitals I would need to close to fund next year's party conference. I asked him if he was doing any business proposals or action plan strategies, only for him to inform me that he was 'just playing solitaire'. I immediately mentioned that I was feeling unwell and moved seats."
Osbourne then proceeded to tell us another ordeal he went through "Soon afterwards, some child starting crying because his mother apparently packed his Power Rangers toys into their suitcase and wouldn't get them out. Just as I was getting used to that, a woman's phone made the most vulgar noise when it began ringing. I've since been informed it's a song called 'Gangnam Style'... I imagine it's what lower-classes listen to when Classic FM isn't working on their radios."
Then came the last straw for the Chancellor, as the refreshments trolley went past Mr. Osbourne noted that he fancied a nice refreshment; "I asked the woman serving what kind of tea she had. I was quite shaken at this point and was considering if I should drink Earl Grey or Darjeeling when the girl, who I imagine is a single mother, stated that they only served Tetley's. I knew then I had to get out of there."
Osbourne recalled how he made a mad dash up the aisle, shoving the hostess trolley and several passengers aside before he made it through the doors into first-class... and safety.
"The instant I got there, I felt the most immense relief. Several staff members wrapped me in a warm blanket as I mentioned what had happened. They sat me down in a leather chair, arranged for me a pedicure and got me a nice hot cappuccino. All was well again, but I don't think I'll ever truly get over it.
Despite this, Osbourne has announced that he doesn't intend to dodge the £130 upgrade fee; "I've already made arrangements for the work experience boy to pay the difference. I'm not the kind of person to avoid my debts".