Elon Musk experiences record 18 second burst of contentment on becoming world's first trillionaire
Former billionaire empathy-void Elon Musk set a new 'personal best', registering a full 18 seconds of contentment, and inner fulfilment. The new record was set moments after SpaceX was floated on the international stock markets, raising $1.77 trillion and making Musk the world's first trillionaire. "It was a strange feeling, though not entirely without precedent," explained the tragically unfulfilled troll/tycoon hybrid. "My central nervous system was flooded by a delicious b
Horizon computer system being relaunched as friendly AI tool
Horizon, the faulty computer programme at the heart of the scandal in which hundreds of sub-postmasters were wrongfully convicted, is being repurposed as a helpful AI chatbot for public use. 'After all the horrendous damage Horizon did to people's lives," said a spokes-virus for its owners, Fudge-It-Su, "this is a way it can give back to British society.' So saying, the virus asked Horizon for instructions on making a cherry and almond cake and got this reply: 'Marc Almond wa
Social media users agree never to believe anything posted ever again
All social media users everywhere have agreed never to believe anything posted from now on. NewsBiscuit is unaffected.
Scientists invent semiidiotics to explain Trump's dumbness
Have you ever wondered why Donald Trump tries to get a peace deal with Iran by repeatedly bombing it? Or why he ever attacked Iran in the first place?
A level Mathematics paper leaked on line
An A level Mathematics paper leaked online has questions about student loans - unnerving those students answering.
Royal Family to be turned into Data Centres
In a bold move to modernise the Royal Family, plans have been drawn up to turn the entire institution into a data centre.
Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups
The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs. Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution. Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper a
Stand off over baked potatoes
The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes. The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis. M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato... 'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket pota
This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun
The UK has gone into hot weather hysteria as excitement builds towards this weekend’s hot spell. It began on Thursday evening when Tomasz Schafernaker was rushed to hospital muttering “80 centigrade, 80 centigrade, that’s unheard of”. Darren Bett was spotted frying an egg on the bonnet of his BMW and Helen Willetts cast aside her normally calm and measured demeanour to declare that next week the UK will be hotter than the sun. Of course, there is a serious side to these unusu
Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute
"We were going to carry out massive strikes across the London Underground network, like you'd never believe," messaged Donald Trump on his social media platform Deceit Hostile. "We were going to use bunker busting bombs on the Bakerloo line and knock it right back to the Stone Age. "But my generals took one look at the intelligence images of Embankment station and told me it's pretty much in the Stone Age as it is. "So we'll be holding talks with the unions about enrichment.
