Aliens have confirmed that they’ve never landed on Earth because they can’t stomach easy listening music. ‘We buzzed a Lighthouse Family concert in Tunbridge Wells and thought “Has it really come to this?”’ said a spokesextraterrestrial.
The subspace message was received on an 8-track recorder at the Department of Earth Science at the Open University in Milton Keynes. The message began, ‘Hello? Testing 1-2-3. Is this microphone on?’ The alien voice went on to introduce itself as something unpronounceable, but then settled for Terry.
‘In 1977 I was fiddling with my on-ship radio when I heard “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft” coming through the speakers, sung by a brother and sister duo called The Carpenters. I thought “ooh, that’s not good” but decided I’d check it out.
‘It took me thirty or so of your Earth years to get there, and suddenly I found myself vectoring into a Dido concert. It was like falling asleep in a poppy field. I just about managed to come to my senses, fire up the reverse thrusters and get out in time.
‘The next time I visited, I re-entered your low orbit bang over a Cranberries concert, with special guests The Doobie Brothers. The indeterminate low hum was bringing me inescapably down. I burned out three clutches trying to reach escape velocity.’
Scientist Professor Colin Pillinger, formerly of the British Beagle 2 team, has suggested that certain music that can’t be fully enjoyed by any self-respecting music fan may in fact contain frequencies that act as a sort of tractor beam for alien navigation systems. ‘It’s like that five-note hailing signal in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, but far more powerful when sung by Chris de Burgh,’ said Professor Pillinger.
‘As soon as I’ve built an intergalactic death ray, I’m taking out the Magic FM building in London as a sign of peace between our races,’ declared Terry. ‘It’s what a real friend would do.’