Thank you all for your entries. I now have sufficient material for my forthcoming book on urban architecture and how the dull, monochrome nature of city landscapes impacts on society. I’m calling it ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’.
There isn’t time to acknowledge every single submission but I’d like to mention a few in the following particular order, starting with the one-liners:
13th New RSPB signature tune described as a "Corncrake jingle" (beau-jolly)
I liked this. I found it interesting getting my mind to think ‘concrete jungle’ while actually pronouncing it ‘corncrake jingle’. In the end, it’s not hugely funny but it kept me amused for a while.
12th Urbane Gorilla's to be released into London's concrete jungles (simonjmr)
I thought this was a clever use of ‘urbane gorilla’. Unfortunately, the line was ruined by a stray apostrophe, which left me wondering ‘urbane gorilla’s what?’ Their breath? The smell of their farts? Their offspring?
Tarmac Ltd set up Zanzibar base for new deforestation/road-building project; they just have to think of a name. (Idiot)
I liked this ‘reverse’ approach. I thought the format was worth expanding into a longer piece; then, hey presto, Gerontius comes up with a similar angle in an interesting article about Guns n Roses:
Welcome to the Mall (Gerontius)
and I realised I was wrong. But jolly good fun nevertheless.
Then, in the Sunday Times crossword section, three entries share 7th slot:
Ancient Calcified Forest Found To Be Modern Fake (The All New Jeni B)
Heraklion rainforest experience slated (FlashArry)
Reject Clone Gnu (Sinnick)
Sinnick’s entry is rather brilliant. It’s an anagram, you see, of ‘concrete jungle’ AND, at the same time, it’s a warning about what you might finish up with if you tamper too much with Nature.
6th slot goes to
CONCRETE JUNGLE BLAMED FOR WOODPECKER DEATHS (The Secret Cabal)
DIAL 999, MY SIDES HAVE SPLIT
And in 5th
Concrete jungle tougher to crack than abstract expressionism (sigmund)
Nice. A Gerhardt Richter gag. Very intellectual.
New tower named ‘The Turd’ to grace London skyline (Des and Stan)
I simply can’t understand why Des and Stan didn’t think to slip in a ‘concrete jungle’ reference and call it a Neat-O. Lesson number one: u gotta b innit 2 winnit, innit.
And the top four places, in reverse order:
In 4th place, the one-liner runner-up is
Tarzan furious after Jane has her Asphalt (charlies_hat)
I was impressed by this for its sheer ‘Carry On’ banality and all the work that went into splitting the concrete jungle concept into its two distinct components and laying them out in a state of equilibrium in such a simple storyline. Charlies_hat – you win a recycled plastic badge.
In 3rd place, is
Report slams out-of-town retail centres; 'Seen one concrete jungle, seen a mall' (Midfield Diamond)
The best of the one-liners. Straight from the sunlamp, it’s bronze for you, Midfield.
In 2nd place, as though with royal cutlery secreted about their person, taking silver is Squudge with
Cheetah fined for using special Wildebeest lanes
Great fun, original angle and definitely the best in the Gnus in Brief section.
And, finally, the overall winner in 1st place... Well, it had to be, didn’t it?... It sat at the top of the Top Ten yesterday, it made an excellent FP today, and I hear Danny Boyle is working on the screenplay already... our very own, the one and only, for a full length piece of quality satire
So, Samantha, without further to-do, shake up that bottle of Lucozade Original and let’s give our golden winner a shower of glory and a big hand, thank you.
Here you are, Perks – the precious NOB (hands over the Neat-O Baton). Congratulations and good luck in thinking up the next one.