BBC Chairman, Lord Patten, has announced that Banham Alarms has been commissioned to develop a high-security brassiere for vulnerable newsreaders and presenters.
Responding to revelations of a fifty year 'culture of BBC breast-fiddling', Patten told an emergency meeting of male staff that some post-Reithian traditions were never intended to last forever - and must cease forthwith.
Patten promised that Banham & Co, at the forefront of UK security for over 80 years, will bring its lock and alarm experience into the world of women's lingerie as a matter of urgent priority. A prototype spring-loaded brassiere is already undergoing preliminary microphone tests. And the revolutionary DDX Multi-Function Support Bra will hopefully be rolled-out across Broadcasting House and Salford by January 2013.
Vernon Trubshaw, Banham's senior intrusion expert, then warned that any powerful BBC presenter or disc jockey attempting to fiddle his way into the DDX Support Bra from beneath, would risk losing his leading finger and possibly the entire hand. Similarly with pincer moves designed to access a young newsreader's breasts from either side. “Our only remaining problem is to incorporate a deterrent for those awkward ladies who 'leave the top window wide open' by wearing a low-cut blouse,” he confessed.
Meanwhile, Dawn Copstick, representing hundreds of molested BBC newsreaders, wanted to differentiate between the opportunist TV titty-juggler and the far more sinister radio boob-burglar - someone looking to break into a brassiere and rummage around for hours on end, whilst the lady concerned was 'busy on-air'.
“Thanks to courageous radio presenters like Liz Kershaw, we now know about those who quietly suffered long-term abuse on the front-line,” said Copstick.
“But who knows how many other girls on television have also suffered over the years? Household names like Kate Silverton, Gloria Hunniford, Fiona Bruce, Kirsty Wark. Even the 'one and only' Riz Lateef.
“The mind boggles when you think back to Angela Rippon's awkward smile as she left the microphone and broke into dance on the Morecombe & Wise Christmas Special. We are all shamed when we remember how much that poor girl must have suffered. But what a trooper eh!”