James Hartnett, a 53 year-old TV critic, was recently shocked to learn that BBC Parliament was not intended to be enjoyed as a light-entertainment soap opera, but was instead live and uninterrupted coverage of Britain's parliamentary proceedings.
"I just couldn't believe it..." said the devastated man, possessing the snivelling tone and frank candor of an 8 year-old boy who's just had the magic of Christmas dashed by an obnoxious elder sibling.
"The recurring story-lines, the farcical attire, liberal doses of red-faced slapstick... How was I to know?! It was classic serialized soap, every episode introduced a disruption to the status quo, and every episode resolved that disruption."
It was at this point that Mr. Hartnett became pensive.
"Well, I say resolved, but what I mean is that nothing ever changed... Not really. Cuts, cuts, cuts... But then again, that was the punchline. Wasn't it? Wasn't it?!"
With his head heavily buried in his hands, Mr. Hartnett spoke of BBC Parliament in muffled tones.
"I hadn't been enjoying the current series, any way."
More recently, Mr Hartnett had criticized the 'show' for '...taking on a somewhat darker tone than in the golden years of the late 90's, early 2000's...', blaming "the morbid and frankly disturbing obsession with borderline dystopian fiction such as childhood obesity and school-yard knife crime. Seriously? Have the writers of 'Parliament' ever seen a child? They're joyful little souls, always running about and enjoying the fresh air, learning to ride bicycles with their fathers. Not that they actually have dads any more, if you'd believe this rank fart of a programme. Not that anyone can actually afford bicycles any more, if you'd belie- ah, you get the picture."
In an attempt to lighten the harmfully bleak tone of the modern world, the BBC has today unveiled plans to instate a laughter track alongside BBC Parliament, available through the red button. However, when this was tested on Mr. Hartnett, he began to sob uncontrollably.
"You used to be such an idealist, Nick! I'd rather die than live in a world where your abusive civil partnership won't have a convenient and emotionally cathartic character-building resolution!"