After his record breaking freefall dive, adrenaline-junkie Felix Baumgartner will attempt to beat the current world record for the longest oral sex attempt on a partially-aroused human female.
The previous longest muff-dive was made by retired librarian, Frank Watson, who went ‘down south’ for a total of 4 minutes and 23 seconds in a back bedroom in Solihull in 1960, during the first two weeks of a relationship. Mr Watson, now an octogenarian, will be on hand to witness the dramatic attempt from a nearby wardrobe and will act as “chief communicator” throughout the bid, maintaining voice contact with the much younger Austrian via a carefully-concealed ear-piece.
Baumgartner has been eagerly discussing his next target with blokes in pubs since 2005, but what he is now proposing is extremely dangerous, even for a man used to breaking the sound barrier with his arse. Depending on the partner’s weight, the air pressure between a pair of thighs can be less than 2% of what it is at sea level, and it is impossible to breathe without an oxygen supply. Foolhardy souls who have previously tried to break the record have lost their lives in the process. Others have complained of a really sore tongue.
Baumgartner's team at NASA will construct a special pressurised latex suit to protect him on the way down, and for the entire descent his neck will be reinforced by a series of next-generation foam buttresses. If the daredevil is to be successful in his latest venture he must avoid such pitfalls as breaking off to make small-talk, worrying about gas bills and/or private health insurance.
A test muff-dive already had to be abandoned when a pubic hair became lodged between two of Baumgartner’s molars in a tricky-to-get-at area. Though spectators claim the new dive has all the hallmarks of another Baumgartner stunt, his team have been quick to stress its complete lack of scientific relevance.
Despite a hugely supportive family, Baumgartner’s mother has indicated that she has no plans to watch his latest dive at ‘mission control’ or any of the recordings his friend Jens intends to make on his mobile phone. However, an understandably anxious Mrs Baumgartner revealed last night,
‘God willing, I’ll have his favourite meal waiting for him if and when he returns; a fish supper with extra clams.’