As energy prices soared by another 6% in recent days, British Gas has offered advice to people who stubbornly rely on warmth to stay alive. Pointing out that some reptiles have adapted to the cold without resorting to crippling direct debits, the energy firm has criticised some customers for 'deliberately remaining warm blooded’.
“If you’re struggling to pay your bills but still want to survive the harsh winter, you could try spending the mornings laying on a big, warm rock”, suggested Phil Horton of the company's customer retention department. “We’ve sent leaflets to all our victims with practical tips on cutting their bills. Why not dislocate your jaw, eat something enormous and then sleep it off in a cave until March?”
While evolving the ability to lower their body temperature without freezing solid might not be practical for everyone, Horton thinks a simple slowing of the metabolism could cut energy use by as much as 15%. “It’s no good moaning that you need more notice, I know plenty of people who’ve managed it”, insisted Horton. “Our head office is full of cold-hearted reptiles.”