In a further blow to his reputation, Lance Armstrong was today found to have tested positive for bullshit after denying the extensive allegations of cheating made against him by the US Anti-Doping Agency (Usada).
‘After a detailed forensic examination, I am afraid to report that Mr Armstrong’s response to the mounting evidence against him was found to contain unnaturally high levels of bullshit,’ said a spokesman for the International Cycling Union, the sport’s governing body. ‘We tested his statements on taste, touch and smell, and regrettably they failed on all counts. You only needed to see the steam coming off his legal papers to know something wasn’t right.’
Suspicions were initially raised against Armstrong after officials noted that during previous doping investigations he had insisted on keeping his fingers crossed during questioning, and on one occasion, after issuing a particularly strenuous denial of cheating, his pants spontaneously combusted. Armstrong has issued a further counter-denial, but the cycling authorities said this did nothing ‘clear the air – in fact it only made things worse’.
Armstrong has now been stripped of his seven World’s Most Believable Man titles, but in recognition of his achievements in cycling has been awarded the Tour de France’s coveted Brown Jersey to keep for life.