Middle-class foodies who insist on sharing via social media every carefully concocted plate of smugness they’ve ever cooked and eaten must now add a picture of the ‘evacuation’ that follows. The new law comes into effect at the end of the month, preceded by a candid statement from the Department for International Development.
‘Just cook the fucking food, sit fucking down, eat the fucking food, and be fucking glad you’ve got it,’ said Darren Lovelock, a spokesperson for DFID, wearing a jumper he’d knitted himself. ‘No-one wants to see how proud you are of your mozzarella bon-bons marinated in spaniel spunk, or the fact that you can’t live without your food processor.
‘Let’s be clear, you can live without your food processor, and about 98% of the other things in your self-absorbed, tedious, nauseating life.
‘From November, every Facebook post or tweet featuring a plate of food, either produced in the home or taken in a restaurant, must have a second image of the subsequent visit to the toilet, floating like a forlorn yuletide log in a sea of Harpic jus.’
Those who don’t observe the new legal pairing of ‘from dish to dump’ will face a scale of fines. Accompanying messages along the lines of “From our permaculture windowbox”, “Stewart’s bulbs have done us all proud” or “Purchased at a market in Sienna and lovingly tended on Easyjet EZ531” could see penalties of up to £10,000 and community service peeling garlic by hand without a device from Lakeland.
The only exceptions are drought-resistant crops inadvertently produced by over-blanching maize or the accidental re-introduction of Spangles into the food chain.
Sarah Okonjo from the Democratic Republic of Congo, said: ‘I walk fourteen miles a day to collect fresh water, and face the threat of rape and murder from rebel militia who patrol the road, but I’ve never thought to FB or tweet my friends about it, mainly because when I get home I am tired and hungry and I have to try and make a small bowl of rice feed my children and parents. And I’ve never had an internet connection. Or a computer. Or a Facebook or Twitter account. Or electricity.’
Spenser ‘Spensey’ Mogridge, an architect from Barnes in London, said: ‘I’m horrified by this humiliating law. Our new bathroom won’t be finished until the summer.’