An attempt to diffuse the mounting tension between prospective players of hotly anticipated video game 'Call of Duty: Black Ops II' was attempted yesterday, as one of the game's designers called for 'a peaceful resolution to an avoidable conflict'.
Ted Stevenson, who served as lead tree modeler on production of the game, stated that he 'did not wish for every player to press start with murder on the mind', but instead 'to enjoy the rich and verdant landscape' he had spent the better part of a year creating.
"I am incredibly proud of the work we've put into that game, and I know that my contributions are just as important to Call of Duty's success as the hellishly realistic dismemberment system. I mean, there are like... 43 different types of trees, all 100% true to life. You've gotta admit, that is at least as impressive as the way we've managed to accurately recreate the signature clang of a Kalashnikov bouncing off the forehead of a grizzled Russian Mercenary. Sadly, I fear that history is doomed to repeat itself..." lamented Mr. Stevenson, who was wearing a tailored suit and the sad eyes of a lonely puppy at the time of interview.
The pacifist games designer was, of course, speaking of the series' rich and storied history of violence.
"Over 100 million copies sold over 9 different games, and they all ended roughly the same way; with the blood of your enemies permanently reddening your eyesight as you hollered in ecstasy; America standing tall. It's 2012, surely we've all learnt something from the agonies of war?"
A solitary tear dropped down Mr. Stevenson's idyllically rosy cheeks as he elaborated upon his Utopian wish for 'COD: BLOPS II'
"Wouldn't it be beautiful if, on November 13th 2012, as millions of eager gamers descend upon 'Nuketown 2025', they simply all decide to lay down their arms and bunny-hop for peace? Mercenaries, soldiers of fortune and infantry alike, roaming the marvellous landscape I've laboured over, enjoying the spoils of the natural world. That's the dream."
Upon interview, the rest of the development team struggled for words when describing their pacifist coworker.
"Ted, uh... Ted struggled to understand the vision the rest of us were working towards. We hired him off the back of the absolutely stellar job he did modelling the terrain of 'Farmyard Sim 2010'. We all played the game and thought 'Man... I'd love to blow the s**t outta those f*****g trees'. Ya know?"
Yet, as the release date draws nearer, Ted Stevenson seems like a man who already knows which side has won this battle.
"There's always another option. So many games have elected to arm themselves, just because the option was there. I could go rummage through my gun cabinet right now, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go storm the Iranian Embassy now, does it? I just wish more gamers would turn to life's one true Call of Duty: as Shepard for our Mother Earth."
