The county of North Somerset has threatened insurrection if it is not granted the status of an independent state after members of the parish council voted unanimously to pull out of the UK. The move follows years of free immigration and govenment interference which it is believed have adversly affected regional identity. Arthur Webster, Chairman of the Sandford Allotments Association and leader of the North Somerset Freedom Fighters, stated ‘We’ve had enough - we’re building bigger fences!’
A number of local leaders have claimed that an influx of foreigners is directly responsible for the rise in local unemployment increasing levels of crime and a dilution of the bloodlines. 'It has to stop,' said Mable Kitchener, a leading figure in the Wick St. Lawrence Women's Institute - Armed Battalion. 'All these foreign folk come here and take jobs from the local people; it's ruining our society. We've got people from Dorset coming in and taking all the jobs in the orchards, folk from Devon working all the bars. I wouldn't mind but you can't understand what half of them are saying! And don't get me started on the Welsh! Since they built the Severn Bridge, they've been coming over here, with there dark features, strange egg-chasing beliefs, raping and impregnating all the women and stealing from all the local shops! Not to mention the sickening glut of all-male touring choirs! If I hear another warbling, welsh-inflected performance of Nessun Dorma, I'm going to shove a rugby ball down their necks. We used to be a proud County, one with heritage and tradition, but where are we now? We can't call the cider our own, and half the children around here grow up with an innate affinity for sheep.'
Angela Mudsbury, head of the Uphill Gardening Society's Trench Warfare Division, said that there has been concern about local identity since the Local Government Act of 1992 rended Somerset and Avon apart: 'I mean we don't know who we are any more; are we Somerset? Are we Avon? North Somerset? Are we unitary, non-metropolitan, distict or county? It's ridiculous. Since all that chopping and changing, we've lost Cheddar Gorge, Bath and Glasontbury; and what have we been left with? Weston-Super-Mare! The act gave us control over local issues, so we're going to take that to the next level!
The measure will have to be approved in Westminster, but it is likely to be granted as it is largely supported by nearby counties, such as Cornwall, who harbour their own desires for independence and see this as the first step to justifying their own claims. More importantly, whilst there has been no violence so far, several threatening letters have arrived at Downing Street. 'If our demands are not met,' reads on such letter written on headed paper from the Butcombe Ornithological society, 'we will blockade the south west. In doing so, we will deprive the country of luxurious dairy products, stop Glastonbury Festival and we will kidnap Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and Rick Stein. No more home-produced, fishy goodness for you lot! We want freedom and independence! And our own Cream Tea!'
As a result the government will seek an early agreement to prevent a descent into gorilla warfare. In addition, ministers were said to have been 'encouraged' after the separists also promised that 'If you meet our demands, we will live within the UK as a peaceful allie. We also promise, as a sign of our commitment to peace and prosperity and with the blessing of our neighbours, to seal off Glastonbury Festival and everyone inside by placing a military presence on the surrounding wall, thus ridding the world of posh students and vacuous welly-wearing celebrities. And Bono.'
The separation is likely to be ratified before the end of the summer providing negotiations between the two parties can iron out the full terms of the country's existence within the UK. It is thought that entry into the country will not require a passport or travel documents, as the state will be subject to freedom of movement within the EU. However, claims for residence are likely to require a citizenship test, a demonstrable appreciation of cider and an aptitude for tying bits of soggy bread to apple trees when under the influence of said cider.