Thousands of former fans and Leeds residents who attended the memorial procession for Jimmy Savile in November last year will retrace their steps, walking in reverse, from Woodlands Cemetery in Scarborough to St. Anne’s Cathedral in Leeds. The procession will take place in silence as a mark of profound disrespect for the notorious paedophile and complete fucking weirdo.
Staff at the Leeds General Infirmary, where Savile worked as a porter and probably fiddled with a lot of kids, will line up again. This time they will make a silent "wanker" sign to a chipboard coffin with the words ‘Paedo Scum’ sprayed on the side.
A wreath bearing the numbers 208 will be the only item that will be replicated from the original funeral procession. ‘This time it won’t be there to represent the frequency of Radio Luxembourg,’ said event organiser Margaret Butterworth, ‘but to remind us of the number of young lives that this monster has ruined.’
Monsignor Kieran Heskin will speak again at the procession. ‘I did that say that I hoped God would fix it that Jimmy would be given the ultimate reward — a place in heaven,’ said Monsignor Heskin. ‘I will now propose that God fix it for the prick to be given a celestial beasting and tossed casually into the fiery pits of hell.’
Savile's body will be exhumed, whereupon the Royal Marines will take back their green beret and medal buried with the child molester, and the Dreams bedding store will reclaim the sprung mattress on which Savile was laid to rest. A new coffin will then be cast from the slag of hundreds of Jim'll Fix It badges that have been returned and melted down.
Contrary to Savile's last wishes to be able to look out to sea, he will be reburied at a 45-degree angle but this time face down, so that he can stare into an endless dark oblivion guaranteed to rot his blackened soul, as opposed to the Scarborough coastline.
'I think he's getting off lightly there,' said reverse mourner Gary Chisholm. 'To be honest there's not a lot of difference between the two views.'
Dozens of showbiz pals from Savile’s fifty-year career as a moral vacuum will decline to attend.