The Zumba epidemic has engulfed the free time and sanity of many women in the 25-40 year age group. Wild eyed mums have been lurching between social peers spreading the debilitating affliction with enthusiastic squeals of delight and tight fitting leggings.
Zumba, a problem thought all but irradiated in the 1970s, has now resurged to become one of Britain’s top 10 embarrassments, ranked alongside chlamydia and dubstep. Jeggings are due to become free on the NHS from next year though experts warn this will do little to tackle the root causes of the problem.
“It’s a social issue,” explained Amanda Chump, Shadow Health Secretary, “the media bombards people from early childhood with images of people behaving like idiots. Sooner or later they decide they want a piece of the action.”
“I was happy sitting at home eating butter in front of Corrie when my friend ‘Abi’ sprung through the open window and started gyrating and waiving her legs furiously about” said one sufferer. “Before I knew it, I was up on the rug making a right tit of myself”
“Now 5 months on, I find myself doing the same to the poor people I know, I don’t recognise myself, I’m permanently armed with a CD player, sweatbands and I can’t keep my feet from jostling about to an imaginary mamba beat”
Sufferers have been advised that the effects of Zumba can be diluted by contracting the made-up affliction known as Lactose Intolerance “Since I signed up to ‘Lactose Intolerance’ I’ve found my life back” Said one sufferer. If any of my friends asks me to do some Zumba, I just pull a sad face and whisper “I have a problem with milk.. I’m going to pass”