David Cameron has made a shock announcement at the Conservative Party Conference that the poor are to be abolished as of January 2013.
"Enough's enough!" he declared to rapturous applause in the hall in Birmingham. "It's the poor who cause all of our problems; the poor who drain Britain's resources; the poor who are always whingeing about wanting benefits and housing and stuff. If we simply abolish the poor, we could wipe out the national debt entirely within a month and get on with our lives!"
When questioned by journalists after the PM's speech, chancellor George Osborne admitted that "some details are still being drawn up" but favourite options at the moment include drowning the poor in the English Channel or simply sending them to France.
Downing Street refused to confirm that similar blueprints are being drawn up for the gays, the ethnic minorities, the disabled and the women.