Sally Hunter, Tourism Officer for the scruffy North Yorkshire resort, admitted that promoting Scarborough as the last resting place of Jimmy Savile now seemed an ill-judged strategy. “We’ve always thought of Jimmy as a lovable eccentric”, she said. “His enjoyment of casual sex with young girls made him a star here in Yorkshire, where deflowering virgins remains a popular pastime. Consensual? Non-consensual? Under-age? Over-age? As we say here in Yorkshire, ‘Who’s counting?’
“But these new revelations have left us stunned. We had no idea he’d raised millions of pounds for charitable causes. The locals are baffled. As we say in Yorkshire, ‘If ivver tha does owt fer nowt, do it fer thissen’. And if we ever do give to charity - buying new uniforms for child soldiers, for example - we don’t like to brag about it. It was provocative to use the word ‘philanthropist’ on Jimmy’s grave, and now we’re paying the price. The only people we’re attracting to Scarborough are nutters with cans of spray paint. Unable to spell ‘philanthropist’, they’re terrorising our local paedophiles, who contribute greatly to the local economy and do no harm to anybody. Well, apart from children. Obviously.
“We’ve talked to the planning department about the possibility of building a small dancehall on top of Jimmy’s grave, alongside a new car-park for the town’s dogging community. What could be nicer than having sex with strangers, while enjoying a sea view and maybe a hot-dog from one of our licensed traders on the promenade? Yes, our new tourism initiative seems to be coming together”...