Three weeks after the election, many once of Westminster, remain at large and are still yet to be registered for the MPs scrappage scheme. Under this, former members of the House of Commons give themselves up in return for a £2000 contribution to the public purse. These absences are costing the taxpayer “a flipping fortune”.
Following the expenses scandal, it was expected that constituencies up and down the country would try to stimulate the democracy industry by removing these high emission politicians, who have been, according to Jeremy Paxman “wasting the UK’s oxygen reserves for years and belching out climate changing carbon dioxide,” although these gases, combined with the accompanying hot air, have been credited with causing the current warm spell.
Acting Labour leader Harriet Harman explained how the scheme has “allowed us to take the older, more polluting MPs, like Jacqui Smith and Stephen Byers off the road and increase the production of newer, brighter models like Gloria de Piero and Liz Kendall, with their more finely tuned engines. Obviously we are happy to help the Conservative government in reducing the fiscal deficit we left them in any way we can”.
Critics of the scheme ask what will ultimately become of sacrificed politicians like Douglas ‘Moat’ Hogg and Peter ‘Duck Island’ Viggers? Would they really be used for scrap? “No way”, said Prime Minister David Cameron, “any contaminated raw materials would be likely to result in a future product recall being necessary - and Toyota will tell you how expensive that is”.