Police in North Yorkshire are investigating claims that the late Jimmy Saville has risen from the grave and is now indiscriminately molesting anything he can get his putrified hands on.
In a public press conference convened today, Chief Inspector Alan White warned people to stay indoors while the police carried out a search for Saville with burning brands and pitchforks. "We have reason to believe that this man is a dangerous sex offender, and an undead one at that, which makes it all the worse. Whenever a man's propensity for sexual perversion cannot even be tamed by the grave, then you know that you're dealing with one really sick bastard."
The warning comes after Gabrielle Montfort, postmistress in the sleepy village of Elslack, reported that she came home early from work to find the corpse of Saville, freshly risen from the grave, engaged in a sexual act with her fireplace.
"It was absolutely disgusting," she said. "There was just this mass of wispy hair and dead skin and appalling grunting. At first, I just thought it was my husband doing a Status Quo impression, but then he kept shouting, "Now then, now then!" louder and faster, and his big brown cigar was bobbing everywhere. It was then I realised, oh my god, Jimmy Saville has risen from the grave and he's fucking my fireplace."
Zombie Saville's motivation for this action remains unclear, but Mrs. Montfort has revealed that her house had been recently renovated and the fireplace was only five years old and she believes that Saville may have been attracted to it for this reason.
The solicitors of Saville's estate have been quick to rubbish these claims. "These allegations are totally preposterous," they said in a statement released today. "Mr. James Saville is sadly deceased and zombies are merely a work of fiction. Anyway, that little slut of a fireplace was asking for it."