An analysis of house price surveys conducted during 2012 has concluded that prices are going up, down, and staying static all at the same time. “It’s an effect known as ‘Schrodingers Estate Agent.’” explained the renowned British mathematician Carol Vorderman. “Imagine you got an Estate Agent, put him in an airtight box, and then nailed it shut. Nice image, isn’t it? That’s about it really, everyone just stands around the box laughing and putting bets on how much he will offer as he begs for freedom and how long it will be before he stops shouting and banging around.”
As price surveys from the UK’s banks and building societies all come in with wildly varying figures as to whether the market has gone up, down, or is just flying around, looping the loop and avoiding the ground, questions have been asked about the inability of the Nation’s major financial institutions to do adding up and dividing. “How hard can it be to work out the average selling price of a bog standard British home?” asked Carol. The Daily Express has found itself in a real quandary, unsure whether to praise David Cameron for causing house prices to rise, to blame immigrants for reducing them, or just run with some tired old story about Princess Diana like usual.
“One thing is for certain though” explained Carol “With rents increasing, wages stagnant, and interest rates at close to zero, the average first time buyer has about as much chance of saving up a deposit as Frosty the Snowman does of living out a long and happy retirement in Palm Beach, so it’s all academic really.”