OFSTED has announced the introduction of a compulsory module on religious and moral instruction, to be immediately bolted onto the GCSE mathematics curriculum.

Reacting to criticism that mathematics was in moral meltdown, 15 year olds will now be expected to study the basic coefficients that link long division with Newton's 1st Law of Chastity.

“Faced with the intense complexities of modern life, most teenagers can no longer be trusted with a knowledge of mathematics by itself”, explained Professor Harvey Porlock of Christ Church College Oxford.

“Maths has always involved 'hormonal' temptations,” he added. “These are highly dangerous urges which we will now submerge with a detailed analysis of Newtonian chastity and Fermat's last moral code.”

"About time too," said a secondary school teacher on behalf of the Clean-Up Maths campaign. "Members of CUM have long struggled to explain what should comfortably go into what – as opposed to what should never go into what. If you get what I mean? This initiative will clear up all the old anomalies."