In an overhaul of Team GB’s elite performance unit, potential future Olympians are now going to be assessed on their suitability for funding based principally on their physical attractiveness. Neil Black, new performance director UK Athletics has declared he is on the hunt for a British male gold medallist who isn’t bald or ginger, and chasing the sporting holy grail that is a female gymnast who’s skilled, supple, “and has a huge pair of tits”.
“It is not acceptable that our finest sportspeople are subject to snide remarks about their looks by blinky Scottish comedians with heads like a Spud-U-Like cast-off,” declared Black. “Now we could either try and educate society to cast aside an obsession with shallow superficial notions of an individual’s beauty and centuries of judging women on their looks not their achievements. Or put a few grand of Lottery money the way of a Harley Street plastic surgeon and be done with it. Now who’s with me?”
UK sporting bodies are casting their net more widely as they looks to find competitors who really are the fittest the country has to offer. Page 3 girls are being encouraged to have a go at track events, by imagining the hammer is a Luis Vuitton handbag they’re having to swing because some slag tried to get her hands down their footballer boyfriend’s pants outside Chinawhite. Male models, meanwhile, are being persuaded to have a go at speedwalking “as quite a lot of them are not exactly unfamiliar with mincing about if you get my meaning”.
The road to Rio for Team GB will now feature full and frank assessment of the desirability of all contenders. Qualification for dressage is to include a swimsuit round “although not for the horses obviously. The RSPCA would be all over us”. The men’s swimming team will also either be expected to live up to the public’s expectations of men with big hands and size 16 feet, or wear the latest in Speedo swimwear technology which “makes up in HD viewing figures what it might lose in extra aerodynamic drag”.
“We’re trying to build a legacy here for both the athletes and the country,” insisted Black. “After all, long after Rio 2016 and when these dedicated young people’s bodies can’t meet the demands of elite sporting performance, it’d be nice for the viewers of the next few decades of celebrity reality shows if we still wouldn’t mind shagging them.”