Following a string of celebrity appointments, the Home Secretary today announced that Sir Terry Wogan would lead a crackdown on the illegal rug trade.
A beaming Sir Tel said, " It's a subject close to my heart. And head. Ever since I saw first-hand what the insidious 'Irish Jig' did to my compatriots in the Emerald Isle, I've campaigned to stamp this trade out."
In his first move, Sir Terence has upgraded the status of several so-called recreational rugs to Class A, including the heavily trafficked Iranian or 'Persian' rug, and the highly addictive 'Clinic Weave' so beloved by ex-cricketers. The notorious synthetically produced 'SYRUP' has also joined the list.
One British-produced rug, however, has been demoted to Class C. "I'm partial meself to the ol' Crown Topper, for many a year now - and it's never done me any harm!" he crooned.
Lord Wigon is 93.