Music mogul Simon Cowell has sensationally confessed to gossip magazine Ooh! that he is a bicycle. In an exclusive interview, he revealed that he had felt this way for a long time and wanted his fans to know.
He explains that he first felt velocipedic when he was a young man on a tour of France. At first it was difficult, and he needed stabilising forces around him. But once his partner grabbed hold of his handlebar and rang his bell, he knew that this was the life for him.
Cowell lives the usual bicycle lifestyle - he always carries a puncture repair kit with him "just in case". His partner, [censored], has to wear a lot of protective gear, including a helmet and skin-tight lycra.
He added that there are many bicycles in the music industry, including fellow X-Factor judge Louis Walsh, who is apparently "100% BMX".
But what Cowell enjoys most of all, he said, is to put on his mudguards and be ridden into the dirt.