In front of a global audience of about ten people at the LibDem conference Nick Clegg today tried to convince his reflection in the mirror about his convictions. “Let me say this” said the hair-dyed non-youth, quaking with false emotion, “one thing’s for sure I am not a ham actor with nothing to offer, I just need a better script”.
We tracked down his mom, an ex-stripper who has done more blowjobs than Nancy Reagan, who said: “Yeah Nick’s a bit of a disapointment. I can’t remember who shagged me to have that kid.”
Nick said “yes it’s all absolutely true, anything else? Can we all move on now please.”
Andrew Mitchell said “get your hands off me you fucking plebs” as he was lead down the cells to spend 25 years in solitary confinement. He could still be heard shouting for the next 5 minutes before he finally hanged himself using the rope kindly provided by his jailors.
“It was a happy sight to see him hanging there” said prison officer Ted Jones who added “we are gonna put this one down to a suicide”.